Spiderman 4.
Spiderman 4 (2011) 
USA
Running Time: N/A
Director: Sam Raimi
Writer: Too many people, I don’t even feel like listing them. It’s not like it actually matters. A fucking chimpanzee could write one of these.
One of the things that I hate the most about Hollywood is their incessant compulsion to milk every last drop of life from anything successful. Spiderman 4 is the perfect example. Yes, I am fully aware that this film is 2 years away from being released, but through my amazingly accurate prognostic powers, I am able to tell you that Spiderman 4 is going to be four times as bad as Spiderman 3, which incidentally, was, three times as bad as Spiderman 2.
Are we such a collective generation of fucking slobbering 6-year-olds that we need to continuously seek out and watch sequels to fucking comic book movies? Don’t you find it remotely embarrassing that this is type of shit is actually what gets people up off their fat Frito Lay eating asses, into their cars and to the theatre where they lay down their hard earned cash? Grow the fuck up, people. Was it not enough for you when man-child Toby Maguire did that horrific dance number in Spiderman 3? That was one of the most truly awful moments ever to embed itself on celluloid. Seeing Toby-boy mouth the words “Now dig on this” made me want to drink poison. 100 years from now people are going to watch these sequels and laugh at us. They are going to laugh at us and then they are going to drive around in their cauliflower powered cars and talk about how fucking pathetic we were because Spiderman movies were the most successful films we had. It’s like now when you see photos of those hoops that kids used to chase around with a stick for fun. You look at those and you think, That’s not fun. That’s welfare. And then you laugh because it was welfare that fun to those kids was chasing a fucking circle with a stick. But I’ll tell you this much: given the choice, I’d rather chase a fucking circle with a stick any day of the week over seeing Spiderman 4.
When does it stop? When is it enough for Hollywood? Spiderman 20? Are we going to need a Spiderman 20? Never mind that all of these superhero movies are the same thing over and over again, but they’re boring as fuck. I mean it. You are an adult. Read comic books in the privacy of your own lonely-ass apartment, chat about them on the computer with your World of Warcraft nerd-patrol, cyber-geek friends, but do us all a favour (and by all I mean those of us who can actually handle a storyline slightly more complex than good guy fights bad guy in a non stop CGI jizzfest): stop going to the theatre and creating a demand for this smegma.
How many fucking times do you need to see things blow up and fall apart, asshole?
A Perfect Getaway.
A Perfect Getaway (2009) 
USA
Running Time: N/A
Director: David Twohy
Writer: David Twohy
Can someone please explain to me why it is that Milla Jovovich consistently manages to star in over-the-top feces-fests like this one? No kidding, she’s like the female version of The Rock (sorry “Dwayne”, you’re not living that one down so easy. You’ll forever be “The Rock” as far as I’m concerned).
I’d also like someone to explain to me why, based on what I’ve seen in the trailer for this sewage pipe clog, that a helicopter seems to get more screen-time than any of the other cast members. I’m guessing that it has something to do with a flying apparatus being about a billion times more entertaining than anything else that this fucking smorgasbord of garbage could possibly have to offer.
And you know what? I’m also wondering who green lit this thing and why the go to man for the coveted position of writer/director is none other than David Twohy, the same creative genius who wrote Critters fucking 2. I guess the execs wanted someone who could really flesh out the elements that have been missing from the other thirty thousand times that this story has been rehashed throughout the years.
No problem. I’m super confident that Twohy can bring that certain je ne sais quoi to pivotal moments, like Steve Zahn knife fighting some other talentless cock-swami in a lagoon somewhere in Hawaii.
I’d rather drink a slurpee cup full of my own urine than pay 10 bucks to sit through this soulless masturbathon.
Jennifer’s Body.
Jennifer’s Body (2009) 
USA
Running Time: N/A
Director: Karyn Kusama
Writer: Diablo Cody (I heard that she used to be a stripper)
I’ve never liked Diablo Cody. I never have and, unless she completely changes up her annoying-as-fuck writing style any time soon, I probably never will. Incidentally, that’s your loss Diablo Cody, because my opinions are always right. I don’t make mistakes. Anyway, I’m still finding it unbelievable that she actually won an Academy Award for best original screenplay for the utterly overrated Juno.
Now she’s back with the script for this thing – by the way, did you know that Diablo Cody used to be a stripper? No, seriously, before she wrote the script for Juno, she used to be a stripper. Really, she did – yeah, so anyway, she’s back with this film which even two years ago when I first heard about it, I knew would suck. Here’s the basic concept behind the thing: it’s Juno, minus the sappy baby shit, with gore. Megan Fox walks around at a high school sucking off boys and then biting off their dicks. Wow, this is really Academy Award winning writer material, huh?
You see Diablo, (by the way, that name is so cool, is it your real name? No? Are you sure? It sounds so natural and cool), people laughed at your little jokey style and your ever-so-witty dialogue because you were a novelty. People whom it takes very little to intrigue were intrigued by this style because of your past. They thought it was just so zany that you used to be a stripper (in case you didn’t know, Diablo Cody actually used to be a stripper) and that you say quirky little things like “I get up at the butt-crack of dawn”. I personally find it so hilarious that in your scripts and in interviews you speak like an adult who still thinks that they are in high school, that kills me!
Anyway, this thing should take care of Diablo Cody once and for all. And that’s a very good thing. I remember when you were on David Letterman during all the Juno bullshit and Dave told you that you should make a film about your stripping days (Diablo Cody used to be a stripper) and you were all snotty and 10th grade sarcastic and said something about how yeah, you’ve just been nominated for an Academy Award, so what better thing to do than to go ahead and make Juggs: The Movie. You’re so right Diablo, because Jennifer’s Body is much more refined. It’s a regular fucking Casablanca, isn’t it?
Your fifteen-minutes are just about expired, stripper girl with the loco Spanish name. Thank you for making this movie so that we can all forget about you once and for all.
Kambakkht Ishq.
Kambakkht Ishq (2009) 
India
Running Time: N/A (I’m guessing somewhere around four or five hours)
Director: Sabir Khan
Writer: Sabir Khan
Ishita Moitra
Anvita Dutt Guptan
This is definitely one of the worst looking trailers that I have ever seen for a movie. Not only that, but somehow the filmmakers behind this managed to make Sylvester Stallone come off far more retarded than he typically does. I love you Sly, but you and the other Hollywood stars who whored themselves out for this will now forever be among the first and last Hollywood stars to fall victim to the unbelievably false belief that Bollywood films are going to become popular anywhere else other than India. Sorries all around.
Oh right, Slumdog Millionaire. Yes, it’s true: Slumdog Millionaire is responsible for this trend and belief. Bollywood and Bollywood style films have become somewhat trendy and fashionable in Hollywood at the moment as a result of Slumdog‘s Oscar collection. I didn’t particularly like Slumdog (though I didn’t hate it), but I have liked some of Danny Boyle’s past work. And this is where producers and studios have it all wrong: Danny Boyle was capable of making Bollywood imagery stylish and trendy because he is a good filmmaker. Bollywood just isn’t.
It isn’t going to be much longer (most likely somewhere around the release of this shit-stain) before the studios realize that hey – these Bollywood films really are terrible. I mean, it’s not even in the same league of terribleness as Hollywood so often embraces. This is a whole other terrible – a terrible that can only be matched by the barf-flavoured-burp storylines and acting that are typically only found in porno movies. That sort of crappiness is acceptable in porno movies, because we know that we’ll actually get to see something worthwhile in return for our tolerance. Not so with Bollywood.
I also love how both studios shown at the start of this trailer each ripped off something Hollywood. Eros ripped off the Universal logo promo, while Nadiadwala Grandson Entertainment PVT LTD chose to rip off the 20th Century Fox logo promo. That’s always been my biggest complaint about Bollywood – it rips everything off, from films to storylines to distribution company logos.
So what’s the story in Kambakkht Ishq? A tough, misogynist Hollwood stuntman meets a finicky model. And they argue. They also argue and then sometimes they will dance (but they won’t be happy with each other whilst they dance, they will be arguing with their bodies, don’t you know). At the end they fall in love.
I just saved you ten bucks.
Surrogates.
Surrogates (2009) 
USA
Running Time: N/A
Director: Jonathan Mostow
Writer: Michael Ferris (screenplay)
John D. Brancato (screenplay)
Robert Venditti (graphic novel)
Brett Weldele (graphic novel)
Wow. This is truly something special: from the very first image in this trailer of a robot being fit with a human face, I knew that I was in for some serious shit. Not serious shit in the Doc Brown, According to my calculations, when this baby hits 88mph we’re going to see some serious shit. No. More like the type of serious shit where somebody (most likely director Jonathan Mostow, who is also responsible for embarrassing both a franchise and himself with Terminator 3) got down to making a movie that is so seriously bad, it actually took concentration to pull off. I mean like Mostow and his writers probably went to a meditation retreat somewhere deep in the mountains and meditated on everything that sucks until they finally came up with the idea for this corner dwelling dust-bunny. Actually, the idea is from a graphic novel. Aren’t graphic novels basically just glorified comic books for people who don’t actually want to get caught reading comic books? Is it somehow cooler to read graphic novels than comic books? Oh well.
Anyway, this brings me to my next point of contention: the idea. Isn’t this essentially the same movie as Mark Neveldine/Brian Taylor’s piece of fuck Gamer? As far as I can tell, both movies use the exact same concepts and neither one of them does it well. I guess that’s because you can’t do it well, seeing as both ideas suck my balls. This movie is so entrenched in trying to wow the audience with the terminally boring concept of a world where people control robots from the comfort of their own homes, that I don’t even have to see the fucker to know that the concept is where this movie lives and dies. It isn’t hard to tell that the makers of this are hoping that you’re stupid enough not to notice that after the idea of a world where humans control robot clones is established within the first 2 minutes, you’ll forgive them for having nothing more to offer.
Incidentally, Bruce Willis: you’re old. You can’t act. You and the whole action genre is about as intriguing as a live feed of Wilford Brimley getting a sponge bath. You should change your name to Bruce Wank-us, because that’s basically what you’re doing every time that you step in front of a camera. Please stop making films.
2012.
2012 (2009) 
USA/Canada
Running Time: N/A
Director: Roland Emmerich
Writer: Roland Emmerich
Harald Kloser
It occurred to me while watching this trailer, that what’s actually a far more frightening concept than the end of the world is the end of the world during which everything is destroyed except for all the CGI equipment that Hollywood owns and director Roland Emmerich. If that were to occur, the only hope for entertainment that survivors of the apocalypse could hope for would come in the form of terrible films comprised solely of special effects, created by one of the single worst directors to ever make a lot of money.
I know. I just felt the collective shudder.
Not yet satisfied with being responsible for five previous shitty films that deal with the subject of the destruction of mankind, Herr Emmerich has decided that it’s time to return to the WC for yet another blast of cinematic diarrhea.
Oh Roland, Roland, Roland…You know, this afternoon after watching the trailer for 2012, I began to ask myself why Emmerich doesn’t just give up on live action films and start doing animation, seeing as he loves to play with computer generated images so much. The answer that I inevitably came up with was that Emmerich doing such a thing would most likely qualify as child abuse. See, as adults we learn to stomach all sorts of terrible and nasty things. We know that it’s just part of life. But a child, a child is innocent and hasn’t yet come to realize that there are shit-lobbers like Mr Emmerich out there, all set to ruin everyone’s fun. It’s really quite tragic.
Instead, I think that Emmerich would be better off making trailer-length films. I think that everything that anyone has ever wanted to see in a Roland Emmerich film has been established in his trailers. Things blowing up? Check. Large things falling over and crushing everything beneath? Check. The earth splitting open and swallowing people up? Check. The script doesn’t matter in these sorts of films, so what more do we need to see from this guy that can’t be established within the course of 2-3 minutes?
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs.
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (2009)
USA
94mins
Director: Carlos Saldanha
Mike Thurmeier
Writer: ? (none listed at IMDB. That bodes really well.)
This franchise is beginning to remarkably resemble The Land Before Time series, which for all I know is still pumping out direct to home video stinkers that even kids don’t watch. I think this is the third film in this franchise to have been made, but for some reason it feels like they’ve released way more than that. Maybe it’s because the stories never change from film to film.
All that I do know is that the first Ice Age film was average entertainment and the second Ice Age film was well below that measure. Judging from this trailer, we’re going to get more of exactly the same thing this time around: that little fucking squirrel in a pointless subplot to catch a nut, the sloth and the wooly mammoths on a journey somewhere. The only difference this time around is that there are dinosaurs and the entire film is in 3-D, which would excite me if I wasn’t so completely disinterested in this already.
Besides, everyone knows that the dinosaurs didn’t really exist. They couldn’t have, otherwise Jesus wouldn’t actually be real and fuck that, Jesus is real. If the producers of this film really wanted to get audiences excited, they should have played the historically accurate card and brought Jesus on as a character, not a bunch of shitty dinosaurs. Then the 3-D would have really been cool, especially when Jesus fired lasers out of his eyes, like it says he can in the Bible.
Instead, we get this.
Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes (2009)
UK/Australia/USA
Running Time: N/A (I’m guessing it will be long. Far too long.)
Director: Guy Ritchie
Writer: Michael Robert Johnson
Anthony Peckham
Simon Kinberg
Lionel Wigram
Oh for fuck sakes.
I haven’t read the Sherlock Holmes novels, but I am willing to bet my fucking kidneys on Arthur Conan Doyle never having written so much as a single paragraph where Holmes takes off his shirt, gets all oiled up and bare knuckle boxes in some underground fight club somewhere.
Robert Downey Jr: decent actor, but sorry dude, your English accent blows. Here’s a novel idea: how about actually casting a British actor in the role of a British fucking character?
Why does this always have to happen? There’s all these untouched literary gems out there and you just spend years wishing that someone would make a film involving them. Then, after years of wishing, you finally get your wish. Except that the original story and characters weren’t cool enough for the producers and the studio, because those guys always know more about entertaining people than dead pussy-ass authors whose sole claim to fame is having been revered for fucking centuries, don’t they?
So the films end up suffering thanks to a group of dick warts who feel that they’ve truly found the zeitgeist this time around. What’s next? Jay Gatsby, puffin’ on a blunt while ripping around the Hamptons on a jet ski, hoes in tow? For Whom the Bell Tolls starring Ludacris as Robert Jordan? Gimme a break.
You’d need to cut down the entire Amazon rainforest in order to properly harvest enough toilet paper to successfully wipe the giant ass that’s about to shit this thing out on us come Christmas.
Thanks a TON, Guy Ritchie and company.
The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard.
The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard (2009)
USA Running Time: N/A Director: Neal Brennan Writer: Andy Stock Rick Stempson
This looks so bad that I feel sorry for Jeremy Piven. It’s like, the guy is actually a pretty decent actor and he’s really found his niche playing Ari Gold on the HBO series Entourage. The only problem is that he made this movie and there is no way that this movie isn’t going to suck the biggest, hairiest pair of balls that ever tapped its chin.
At the end of this trailer you are encouraged to “check out the longer and dirtier trailer” at the official site and I pretty much didn’t need to. I’m good. This movie doesn’t even have the ability to make me laugh. My sense of humor is actually too sophisticated for this. I’m not joking, this film makes me feel like a genius, and I want to thank the filmmakers for that.
I guess this is about a guy who is really tough and who says things to people to get them really jazzed up about doing whatever it is that he wants them to do. He smokes on airplanes because smoking in public places that prohibit it is FUCKING HILARIOUS.
Gamer.
Gamer (2009)
USA
Running Time N/A
Director: Mark Neveldine
Brian Taylor
Writer: Mark Neveldine
Brian Taylor
If you are a guy and explosions and car crashes and big machine guns being fired recklessly – preferably whilst riding on the back of a racing motorcycle – gives you a total boner, then this is the film for you. You will not be able to believe your eyes. Even watching this trailer will drive you crazy with anticipation.
Okay, now that all the meatheads are preoccupied with the bright lights and loud noises, I can speak frankly. The truth of the matter is that this film should be avoided like AIDS. Prisoners forced to play in a sadistic live-action game that thousands of viewers turn in to watch/play? Have we not seen this idea done to death yet? I think so. And I don’t think that tacking on some shitty backstory where people play real live video games is going to cut the fucking mustard on this one, lads.
I think you can get free passes to this movie when you buy a Hummer.
I'll Tell You What Sucks. 
