Jennifer’s Body.

Jennifer’s Body (2009)

USA

Running Time: N/A

Director: Karyn Kusama

Writer: Diablo Cody (I heard that she used to be a stripper)

I’ve never liked Diablo Cody.  I never have and, unless she completely changes up her annoying-as-fuck writing style any time soon, I probably never will.  Incidentally, that’s your loss Diablo Cody, because  my opinions are always right.  I don’t make mistakes.  Anyway,  I’m still finding it unbelievable that she actually won an Academy Award for best original screenplay for the utterly overrated Juno. 

Now she’s back with the script for this thing – by the way, did you know that Diablo Cody used to be a stripper?  No, seriously, before she wrote the script for Juno, she used to be a stripper.  Really, she did – yeah, so anyway, she’s back with this film which even two years ago when I first heard about it, I knew would suck.  Here’s the basic concept behind the thing: it’s Juno, minus the sappy baby shit, with gore.  Megan Fox walks around at a high school sucking off boys and then biting off their dicks.  Wow, this is really Academy Award winning writer material, huh?

You see Diablo, (by the way, that name is so cool, is it your real name?  No?  Are you sure?  It sounds so natural and cool), people laughed at your little jokey style and your ever-so-witty dialogue because you were a novelty.  People whom it takes very little to intrigue were intrigued by this style because of your past.  They thought it was just so zany that you used to be a stripper (in case you didn’t know, Diablo Cody actually used to be a stripper) and that you say quirky little things like “I get up at the butt-crack of dawn”.  I personally find it so hilarious that in your scripts and in interviews you speak like an adult who still thinks that they are in high school, that kills me!

Anyway, this thing should take care of Diablo Cody once and for all. And that’s a very good thing.  I remember when you were on David Letterman during all the Juno bullshit and Dave told you that you should make a film about your stripping days (Diablo Cody used to be a stripper) and you were all snotty and 10th grade sarcastic and said something about how yeah, you’ve just been nominated for an Academy Award, so what better thing to do than to go ahead and make Juggs: The Movie.  You’re so right Diablo, because Jennifer’s Body is much more refined.  It’s a regular fucking Casablanca, isn’t it?

Your fifteen-minutes are just about expired, stripper girl with the loco Spanish name.  Thank you for making this movie so that we can all forget about you once and for all.