Spiderman 4.

Spiderman 4 (2011)

USA

Running Time: N/A

Director: Sam Raimi

Writer: Too many people, I don’t even feel like listing them.  It’s not like it actually matters.  A fucking chimpanzee could write one of these.

One of the things that I hate the most about Hollywood is their incessant compulsion to milk every last drop of life from anything successful.  Spiderman 4 is the perfect example.  Yes, I am fully aware that this film is 2 years away from being released, but through my amazingly accurate prognostic powers, I am able to tell you that Spiderman 4 is going to be  four times as bad as Spiderman 3, which incidentally, was, three times as bad as Spiderman 2.

Are we such a collective generation of fucking slobbering 6-year-olds that we need to continuously seek out and watch sequels to fucking comic book movies?  Don’t you find it remotely embarrassing that this is type of shit is actually what gets people up off their fat Frito Lay eating asses, into their cars and to the theatre where they lay down their hard earned cash?  Grow the fuck up, people.  Was it not enough for you when man-child Toby Maguire did that horrific dance number in Spiderman 3?  That was one of the most truly awful moments ever to embed itself on celluloid.  Seeing Toby-boy mouth the words “Now dig on this” made me want to drink poison.  100 years from now people are going to watch these sequels and laugh at us.  They are going to laugh at us and then they are going to drive around in their cauliflower powered cars and talk about how fucking pathetic we were because Spiderman movies were the most successful films we had.  It’s like now when you see photos of those hoops that kids used to chase around with a stick for fun.  You look at those and you think, That’s not fun.  That’s welfare.  And then you laugh because it was welfare that fun to those kids was chasing a fucking circle with a stick.  But I’ll tell you this much: given the choice, I’d rather chase a fucking circle with a stick any day of the week over seeing Spiderman 4.

When does it stop?  When is it enough for Hollywood?  Spiderman 20?  Are we going to need a Spiderman 20?  Never mind that all of these superhero movies are the same thing over and over again, but they’re boring as fuck.  I mean it.  You are an adult.  Read comic books in the privacy of your own lonely-ass apartment, chat about them on the computer with your World of Warcraft nerd-patrol, cyber-geek friends, but do us all a favour (and by all I mean those of us who can actually handle a storyline slightly more complex than good guy fights bad guy in a non stop CGI jizzfest): stop going to the theatre and creating a demand for this smegma.

How many fucking times do you need to see things blow up and fall apart, asshole?