Kambakkht Ishq.
Kambakkht Ishq (2009) 
India
Running Time: N/A (I’m guessing somewhere around four or five hours)
Director: Sabir Khan
Writer: Sabir Khan
Ishita Moitra
Anvita Dutt Guptan
This is definitely one of the worst looking trailers that I have ever seen for a movie. Not only that, but somehow the filmmakers behind this managed to make Sylvester Stallone come off far more retarded than he typically does. I love you Sly, but you and the other Hollywood stars who whored themselves out for this will now forever be among the first and last Hollywood stars to fall victim to the unbelievably false belief that Bollywood films are going to become popular anywhere else other than India. Sorries all around.
Oh right, Slumdog Millionaire. Yes, it’s true: Slumdog Millionaire is responsible for this trend and belief. Bollywood and Bollywood style films have become somewhat trendy and fashionable in Hollywood at the moment as a result of Slumdog‘s Oscar collection. I didn’t particularly like Slumdog (though I didn’t hate it), but I have liked some of Danny Boyle’s past work. And this is where producers and studios have it all wrong: Danny Boyle was capable of making Bollywood imagery stylish and trendy because he is a good filmmaker. Bollywood just isn’t.
It isn’t going to be much longer (most likely somewhere around the release of this shit-stain) before the studios realize that hey – these Bollywood films really are terrible. I mean, it’s not even in the same league of terribleness as Hollywood so often embraces. This is a whole other terrible – a terrible that can only be matched by the barf-flavoured-burp storylines and acting that are typically only found in porno movies. That sort of crappiness is acceptable in porno movies, because we know that we’ll actually get to see something worthwhile in return for our tolerance. Not so with Bollywood.
I also love how both studios shown at the start of this trailer each ripped off something Hollywood. Eros ripped off the Universal logo promo, while Nadiadwala Grandson Entertainment PVT LTD chose to rip off the 20th Century Fox logo promo. That’s always been my biggest complaint about Bollywood – it rips everything off, from films to storylines to distribution company logos.
So what’s the story in Kambakkht Ishq? A tough, misogynist Hollwood stuntman meets a finicky model. And they argue. They also argue and then sometimes they will dance (but they won’t be happy with each other whilst they dance, they will be arguing with their bodies, don’t you know). At the end they fall in love.
I just saved you ten bucks.
2012.
2012 (2009) 
USA/Canada
Running Time: N/A
Director: Roland Emmerich
Writer: Roland Emmerich
Harald Kloser
It occurred to me while watching this trailer, that what’s actually a far more frightening concept than the end of the world is the end of the world during which everything is destroyed except for all the CGI equipment that Hollywood owns and director Roland Emmerich. If that were to occur, the only hope for entertainment that survivors of the apocalypse could hope for would come in the form of terrible films comprised solely of special effects, created by one of the single worst directors to ever make a lot of money.
I know. I just felt the collective shudder.
Not yet satisfied with being responsible for five previous shitty films that deal with the subject of the destruction of mankind, Herr Emmerich has decided that it’s time to return to the WC for yet another blast of cinematic diarrhea.
Oh Roland, Roland, Roland…You know, this afternoon after watching the trailer for 2012, I began to ask myself why Emmerich doesn’t just give up on live action films and start doing animation, seeing as he loves to play with computer generated images so much. The answer that I inevitably came up with was that Emmerich doing such a thing would most likely qualify as child abuse. See, as adults we learn to stomach all sorts of terrible and nasty things. We know that it’s just part of life. But a child, a child is innocent and hasn’t yet come to realize that there are shit-lobbers like Mr Emmerich out there, all set to ruin everyone’s fun. It’s really quite tragic.
Instead, I think that Emmerich would be better off making trailer-length films. I think that everything that anyone has ever wanted to see in a Roland Emmerich film has been established in his trailers. Things blowing up? Check. Large things falling over and crushing everything beneath? Check. The earth splitting open and swallowing people up? Check. The script doesn’t matter in these sorts of films, so what more do we need to see from this guy that can’t be established within the course of 2-3 minutes?
I'll Tell You What Sucks. 
