Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs.
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (2009)
USA
94mins
Director: Carlos Saldanha
Mike Thurmeier
Writer: ? (none listed at IMDB. That bodes really well.)
This franchise is beginning to remarkably resemble The Land Before Time series, which for all I know is still pumping out direct to home video stinkers that even kids don’t watch. I think this is the third film in this franchise to have been made, but for some reason it feels like they’ve released way more than that. Maybe it’s because the stories never change from film to film.
All that I do know is that the first Ice Age film was average entertainment and the second Ice Age film was well below that measure. Judging from this trailer, we’re going to get more of exactly the same thing this time around: that little fucking squirrel in a pointless subplot to catch a nut, the sloth and the wooly mammoths on a journey somewhere. The only difference this time around is that there are dinosaurs and the entire film is in 3-D, which would excite me if I wasn’t so completely disinterested in this already.
Besides, everyone knows that the dinosaurs didn’t really exist. They couldn’t have, otherwise Jesus wouldn’t actually be real and fuck that, Jesus is real. If the producers of this film really wanted to get audiences excited, they should have played the historically accurate card and brought Jesus on as a character, not a bunch of shitty dinosaurs. Then the 3-D would have really been cool, especially when Jesus fired lasers out of his eyes, like it says he can in the Bible.
Instead, we get this.
Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes (2009)
UK/Australia/USA
Running Time: N/A (I’m guessing it will be long. Far too long.)
Director: Guy Ritchie
Writer: Michael Robert Johnson
Anthony Peckham
Simon Kinberg
Lionel Wigram
Oh for fuck sakes.
I haven’t read the Sherlock Holmes novels, but I am willing to bet my fucking kidneys on Arthur Conan Doyle never having written so much as a single paragraph where Holmes takes off his shirt, gets all oiled up and bare knuckle boxes in some underground fight club somewhere.
Robert Downey Jr: decent actor, but sorry dude, your English accent blows. Here’s a novel idea: how about actually casting a British actor in the role of a British fucking character?
Why does this always have to happen? There’s all these untouched literary gems out there and you just spend years wishing that someone would make a film involving them. Then, after years of wishing, you finally get your wish. Except that the original story and characters weren’t cool enough for the producers and the studio, because those guys always know more about entertaining people than dead pussy-ass authors whose sole claim to fame is having been revered for fucking centuries, don’t they?
So the films end up suffering thanks to a group of dick warts who feel that they’ve truly found the zeitgeist this time around. What’s next? Jay Gatsby, puffin’ on a blunt while ripping around the Hamptons on a jet ski, hoes in tow? For Whom the Bell Tolls starring Ludacris as Robert Jordan? Gimme a break.
You’d need to cut down the entire Amazon rainforest in order to properly harvest enough toilet paper to successfully wipe the giant ass that’s about to shit this thing out on us come Christmas.
Thanks a TON, Guy Ritchie and company.
Friday the 13th.
Friday the 13th (2009)
USA
97mins/106mins (extended cut)
Director: Marcus Nispel
Writer: Damian Shannon
Mark Swift
Mark Wheaton
The worst thing about remakes is that they’re remakes. The second worst thing about remakes is that 99.9% of the time they are worse than the original.
I don’t know why I watched this and most people probably think it’s a little obvious of me to put Friday the 13th on here and then whine about how much it sucks. Of course it sucks, you’re thinking, it’s Friday the fucking 13th. And you’re right, it is obvious.
The thing is, this didn’t have to suck. It’s really not that hard to make a horror film like this. I’m serious. I could write a better horror script than this with my eyes closed. I know that this is targeted at a teen demographic and sorry to say this if there are any teens reading this, but fuck you. You’re the reason studios make shit like this. Happy?
It was however, hard to watch this film without laughing. My personal favorite part was when this guy goes to take a piss and then stumbles upon this crop of weed that him and his friend planted. He’s pumping Sister Christian on his iPod and then Jason kills him. Who the fuck listens to Night Ranger in 2009? On an iPod no less. The use of Sister Christian in a film was only acceptable once, and that was in Paul Thomas Anderson’s Boogie Nights. It fucking owned this scene. (2 minute mark.)
I’m also still not sure why the pussy whose family owned the cabin at Crystal Lake owned a cabin there. Who builds a cabin at a place known to have been the site of a serial killer’s rampage? I mean, you’re just asking for trouble.
The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard.
The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard (2009)
USA Running Time: N/A Director: Neal Brennan Writer: Andy Stock Rick Stempson
This looks so bad that I feel sorry for Jeremy Piven. It’s like, the guy is actually a pretty decent actor and he’s really found his niche playing Ari Gold on the HBO series Entourage. The only problem is that he made this movie and there is no way that this movie isn’t going to suck the biggest, hairiest pair of balls that ever tapped its chin.
At the end of this trailer you are encouraged to “check out the longer and dirtier trailer” at the official site and I pretty much didn’t need to. I’m good. This movie doesn’t even have the ability to make me laugh. My sense of humor is actually too sophisticated for this. I’m not joking, this film makes me feel like a genius, and I want to thank the filmmakers for that.
I guess this is about a guy who is really tough and who says things to people to get them really jazzed up about doing whatever it is that he wants them to do. He smokes on airplanes because smoking in public places that prohibit it is FUCKING HILARIOUS.
Ping Pong.
ピンポン (2002)
(Ping Pong)
Japan
114mins
Director: Sori Fumihiko
Writer: Matsumoto Taiyo (manga)
Kudo Kankuro
Somewhere around the halfway mark of this cure for insomnia, while watching a fury infused school boy snap his ping pong paddle around repeatedly as sweat lashed from his brow, I really wanted to be able to just put my arm around this guy and be like “Man, it’s just ping-pong. You need to chill. It’s just ping-pong.” But I couldn’t do that and so I had to sit and watch like, five different characters play ping-pong and pretend that they were really tough about it too.
This film could have very easily called it quits at the 50 minute mark and I wouldn’t have resorted to any name calling. It did not however, decide to quit at the 50 minute mark. Instead it continued to drag on, fueled by nothing remotely compelling, beating the proverbial “dead horse” into a satiny, grey dust.
I think that a great deal of the film’s problems would have been fixed had there been a narrative and a main character. Instead of that, there were lots of great shots of guys playing ping pong, and then fighting about it and then acting cool about how awesome it was to be a ping pong player. And maybe it is awesome to be a ping pong player, but this film just made it all look really fucking boring.
Gamer.
Gamer (2009)
USA
Running Time N/A
Director: Mark Neveldine
Brian Taylor
Writer: Mark Neveldine
Brian Taylor
If you are a guy and explosions and car crashes and big machine guns being fired recklessly – preferably whilst riding on the back of a racing motorcycle – gives you a total boner, then this is the film for you. You will not be able to believe your eyes. Even watching this trailer will drive you crazy with anticipation.
Okay, now that all the meatheads are preoccupied with the bright lights and loud noises, I can speak frankly. The truth of the matter is that this film should be avoided like AIDS. Prisoners forced to play in a sadistic live-action game that thousands of viewers turn in to watch/play? Have we not seen this idea done to death yet? I think so. And I don’t think that tacking on some shitty backstory where people play real live video games is going to cut the fucking mustard on this one, lads.
I think you can get free passes to this movie when you buy a Hummer.
Shrink.
Shrink (2009)
USA
110mins
Director: Jonas Pate
Writer: Thomas Moffett
No.
I get it, I get it: let’s take Kevin Spacey and see if he can recreate that American Beauty sort of character, except as a…psychiatrist! And then we’ll get a sort of relationship between the shrink and the patient, sort of what happened in The Wackness! Yeah! It’s a great idea!
What is there exactly, I’m wondering, in this drawn out and fucking dull trailer, that I am supposed to be interested in? I don’t even know what this story is about. I’ve watched the trailer twice now and I don’t know what it’s about. Can you beat that? And you’re probably sitting there reading this and thinking It’s about a guy who’s a psychiatrist to the stars who has a breakdown, to which I respond: WRONG! That’s not a story.
Yeah, Kevin Spacey won an Oscar, but he’s still the same guy who was in K-Pax, so a little perspective here, okay?
Anyway, this shit is in trouble already. You can tell from the direct to DVD style commentator’s voice. You can spend millions making a film, but if you sit down to watch the trailer and hear that guy’s voice, you’re doomed to the bargain bin at fucking Safeway.
Paris When it Sizzles.
Paris When it Sizzles (1964)
Psst! I'll tell you a secret: this film sucks.
USA
110mins
Director: Richard Quine
Writer: Julien Duvivier (story “La fête à Henriette”)
Henri Jeanson (story “La fête à Henriette”)
George Axelrod (screenplay)
This is just fucking depressing. The worst film that Audrey Hepburn ever starred in. I don’t exactly know what the director, producer, writer, were going for with this. I think they were trying to be both funny and fun, but they just ended up being cocks for wasting Audrey Hepburn and William Holden’s time in this.
The story revolves around a struggling screenwriter holed up in Paris who orders a personal assistant, who turns out to be Audrey Hepburn. It sounds like it could be potentially interesting. But it isn’t. Imagine listening to the shittiest hack writer from the 60’s pitching you his worst ideas for a script. Then imagine watching each of those ideas in ten minute vignettes, for 11o minutes. Sound like fun?
Of fucking course it doesn’t.
The Happening.
The Happening (2008)
This movie sucks so hard, it's actually warped the poster image.
USA/India
91mins
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Writer: M. Night Shyamalan
This is the first and last M. Night Shittyman film that I am ever going to review. I’m not kidding, the way this guy is going, if videotapes of the birth of Christ somehow surfaced and it turned out that M. Night Shyamalan had inexplicably gone back in time, shot and directed it and then returned to present time with the tapes, I would still be skeptical of actually paying money to see it. Seriously, I would probably have to ask people who’d already seen the footage if it was any better than M. Night’s other stuff. And most likely it wouldn’t be.
But back to The Happening. This movie is about the earth being mad at the people and blowing winds on everyone, which then makes everyone kill themselves and each other. There is no explanation for why this wind exists or what exactly it is. Details, schmetails. This is M. Night Shyamalan, fool. He doesn’t have time for petty shit like logical explanations of the storyline. Fuck that. This is the guy that made one movie that people talked about fucking ten years ago or whatever and as a result audiences are forever expected to go easy on him for consistently baking us shit cakes.
Not only that, but Mark Wahlberg is about as convincing as a school teacher in this as Burt Reynolds would have been as Lawrence of Arabia. A note to Mark Wahlberg: just because you’re saying things that are supposed to sound smart doesn’t mean that you have to say them as though you’re explaining dinosaurs to a three-year-old.
The Happening is worth watching only if you don’t have any other choice and your eyes have actually been removed from their sockets so that you can only really judge things by their sounds. Otherwise don’t bother.
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
I'm so overtaken with emotion that I can't even button my shirt up.
Australia
Running Time N/A
Director: Chris Weitz
Writer: Stephenie Meyer (novel)
Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay)
And it all started with a paper cut…
Holy smokes, I know that this is only the trailer, but the trailer alone provides an outstanding example of the truly joyless masturbation that gets passed off more and more frequently as filmmaking. If a film is supposed to be action packed or frightening or even romantic, I should be able to at least get through the trailer without laughing at it. Give me at least that much, please?
I didn’t see the first Twilight film and I don’t plan to, mostly because I don’t like things that suck. I can’t stand that limp cotton swab who wears the lipstick and has the hair helmet. I don’t know his name and I actually don’t give enough of a squirt of piss to have my fingers traverse their way over to IMDB and find out, either. Fuck that guy and his stupid lips. Your movie sucks – and not just in the vampire way, either.
Anyway, not much else to say except that this is basically a pick me up to bored suburban goths, who want to be able to continue to pretend that vampires exist and that their friend Xerxes, who actually drinks human blood from a fake gem encrusted chalice in his parent’s basement, is cool.
I'll Tell You What Sucks. 